A few lawyer jokes
Tonight someone wanted to make sure I was "not too busy chasing ambulances or litigating some meritless ob/gyn case, or whatever it is you do," and that reminded me of some of my favorite lawyer jokes.
Since ambulances have already been mentioned, you might want to know the motto of the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe: "We don't chase ambulances...we get there before them!"
Here's a helpful explanation: the term "civil lawyer" is an oxymoron, and the term "criminal lawyer" is redundant.
And now for my absolute favorite lawyer joke...
Three men who recently left this mortal existence are standing at the Pearly Gates. One is a doctor, one is a preacher, and one is a lawyer. Saint Peter arrives and says, "Well, boys, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that each of you is entitled to enter Heaven. The bad news is that we have a problem with overcrowding, and there's room for only one of you. So I have devised a way to pick the one who gets to enter. Whichever one of you is in the profession which is the oldest will get in."
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Lawyers are whores, and that is the proverbial "oldest profession," but that is way too easy, so back to the joke...
The doctor confidently strides toward the Gates and declares, "It says in Genesis that God created Eve from a rib of Adam. That obviously required surgery, which means that the medical profession has been around the longest."
The doctor starts to walk through the Gates, but the preacher says, "Now wait just a minute, brother. Genesis also says that the earth was nothing but a void and God created order out of chaos. Since as a preacher I am a man of God, that means my profession has been around the longest."
As the smiling preacher moves toward the Pearly Gates, the lawyer speaks up: "Wait a minute, pal. Who do you think created the chaos?"
Since ambulances have already been mentioned, you might want to know the motto of the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe: "We don't chase ambulances...we get there before them!"
Here's a helpful explanation: the term "civil lawyer" is an oxymoron, and the term "criminal lawyer" is redundant.
And now for my absolute favorite lawyer joke...
Three men who recently left this mortal existence are standing at the Pearly Gates. One is a doctor, one is a preacher, and one is a lawyer. Saint Peter arrives and says, "Well, boys, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that each of you is entitled to enter Heaven. The bad news is that we have a problem with overcrowding, and there's room for only one of you. So I have devised a way to pick the one who gets to enter. Whichever one of you is in the profession which is the oldest will get in."
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Lawyers are whores, and that is the proverbial "oldest profession," but that is way too easy, so back to the joke...
The doctor confidently strides toward the Gates and declares, "It says in Genesis that God created Eve from a rib of Adam. That obviously required surgery, which means that the medical profession has been around the longest."
The doctor starts to walk through the Gates, but the preacher says, "Now wait just a minute, brother. Genesis also says that the earth was nothing but a void and God created order out of chaos. Since as a preacher I am a man of God, that means my profession has been around the longest."
As the smiling preacher moves toward the Pearly Gates, the lawyer speaks up: "Wait a minute, pal. Who do you think created the chaos?"
posted by WCharles @ 10/28/2005 10:49:00 PM
4 Comments:
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Hey, Luth here.
Sorry I don't have a favorite lawyer joke to add. Those are great! While you're at it though, why not spend a little time on the postive results of litigation... advances in anesthesia, civil rights, you know, little stuff like that. There's no doubt it's fun to poke fun at you greedy sharks (tongue firmly in cheek) but Idiot America needs to know why you're still here too.
I was just out browsing and thought I'd say hello.
"...why not spend a little time on the postive results of litigation..."
Like health care? Oh wait, I'm not sure all the litigation in the health care field has been positive what with the astronomically rising costs.
There you go Luth, take a light hearted thread and turn it serious. Just like a liberal. :-)
Well, at least everyone has identified themselves here. :-)
Luth, don't worry. I'll put up a revision of a post on my blog at the Clark Community Network (as in Wes Clark) in early February 2004 explaining the term "trial lawyer" and how it has been bastardized to mean something evil.
Ray--first of all, that's a great lawyer joke. Second, while litigation will necessarily raise costs to some degree in any area, my experience shows that those primarily responsible for driving up the costs of litigation are the defense lawyers, not plaintiffs' lawyers. Given your work, your experiences might be different.
And Luth, welcome to the good-natured sarcasm of two bass trombone players. ;-)
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